My Cousin's Graduation

If you did not know, a West Point cadet is not honor bound to snap your neck if you step onto the parade ground lawn unbidden.  This was just one of the things I learned when I went to share in the graduation celebrations of West Point’s class of 2009 yesterday.  My cousin is a member of this class and he took time out to help me and more of his family get acquainted with his life on base.

We saw train ups, boot camps, beast teams and salutations from many summer cadets.  We took cookies from an event we weren’t invited to.  We joked about snipers on the roofs and argued about whether the big chain that was once stretched across the Hudson was meant to keep the British out of Manhattan or keep them in.  Six plaques dedicated to this chain could not grant us a winner.

Also, skipping rocks on an army lake is almost as easy as anywhere else, but skipping bark here is nearly impossible.

After reading The Lords of Discipline, I was surprised to learn that West Point upper-classmen are not allowed to put broomsticks behind your knees and make you squat until you pass out.  They are allowed to make you paint many wrought iron things however.

The blocky, masculine buildings stand out in my mind as different from any I’ve seen before.  This “West Point” of the Hudson River is indeed worth the hour and a half trip from NYC if you get a chance.  And if you get a chance with your family and a West Point graduate, then you’re in for a real treat.

All-State Commercial Guy

I guess the biggest turn around for me is the All-State guy.  He used to play the bad mo fo president on 24 but now he is on about 50 All-State Insurance commercials.  I never see the same one twice.  It’s amazing.  Way back when, Jack Bauer had this guy’s back and he didn’t get scared of puss filled, boily hands or nukes and always admitted Jack Bauer’s calls but now he’s forever pattering on about very serious, somber and ‘I don’t care about’ stuff.  He makes me sad.  And the soft music.  And the tag line.  He’s like, “You know what” - big dramatic build up…it’s revelation time…something smart…anything cool…a gun perhaps? – “You’re in good hands with All-State.”  Looks into the camera as it fades out.  AHHH!  I hate you ex-President 24 All-State guy.  You make me wish I were in TV so I could write you out of the plot line of those commercials.

Rug

Ahh, the luxury of a fine Persian area rug.  Shades of green and tan and black.  Octagonal in shape.  Small enough to rest your feet on and hold your rock band drum set in place but not so large as to rest under the furniture.  Carpet is so easily cleaned it mocks the hard wood floor by picking up its dust and holding it on display.  It is the envy of the room.  Its swirly, vaguely Chinese designs and its symmetrical splendor delight.  It’s borders are always open.  A constant companion for the apartment.  For what more could we hope in the world?

Late Mother's Day Love

When I think about my mother, I think about more than just smelly diapers and college graduation. I think about all the personal touches she adds to my life. Like when I visit home and reminisce about the 15 boxes of cereal we got to choose from as kids. Immediately, she wants to recreate this memory and offers to be back in 15 minutes if I just say the words, Lucky Charms. “Mom, I don’t need any, I was just remembering.” With a pouty face, feigned playfulness and hidden regret, she laughs along with her family. Of course, coming upstairs the next morning I find a box of you-know-what on the counter, evidence of a special trip to the store before work.

I also think about how she makes herself available by phone every hour of every work day no matter what she’s doing. In fact, the only time I’ve ever been hurried to finish a conversation or speed up the babble has been when one of my siblings was on the other line. Yes, she gets called down by her boss. Yes, she has work for which she’s responsible and that she enjoys. Yes, she doesn’t care. Priorities?

The most thoughtful replies to the goofiest thoughts? You ain’t seen nothin’. The person who remembers all your friends’ names and who they are to you? Meet the master. That supermarket line stranger who shares a laugh just to spread some of her joy? Yeah, you learned that from my mom, right? Right.

A mother is a sacred thing. One who braves messes of mind, spirit and digestion and comes out clean on the other side. All I know is she looks good doing it and makes us all better for it.

I know I’m a little biased but my mom is the best of all moms.

Bed Bugs

I think there are bugs in my bed and they bite me at night.  I’ve found two.  One looked like a cricket and the other I looked up on the internet and learned it is called a house centipede.  They have 15 sets of legs and an overall scary-ass appearance (see picture).

I’m no stranger to bug bites at night as I’ve spent a combined year, maybe two, of my life sleeping in cabins or tents.  After most nights out there, I wake up, start scratching and then get really tingly, like the bug venom/bacteria is distilling with my blood and testing its defenses.  After a time, I calm down and get on with my life but I don’t think I’m the same person.  I’m part bug now.  And the bugs are part me.

Trash Digging Fun

I spent the last hour and a half walking around my neighborhood and looking in the garbage by the street.  It’s not the first time I’ve done it.  I hope it’s not the last.  In fact, I usually bring stuff home – that’s the whole point.  Here’s a list of the stuff I saw. 

I asterisked (*) the things I thought about bringing home.

I ampersanded (&) the things I touched.

I money symboled ($) the things I think are funny.

 

2 Baby Seats - no baby padding/dirty baby padding

*Latching Suitcase - full of Christmas décor

Zipping Suitcase - red

Blue Double Mattress - stained

*& 2 Filing Cabinets – Repainted glossy black/standard

*Dog Carrying Case – disassembled

4 Vacuum Cleaners – Various states of disassembly

Rolled-Up Carpets – 1 shag,  3 shortish Persianish

*$ Carpet Square – gray, muddied

*$ Barstool – no seat

Drawers – bottom drawer had no bottom

Wooden Chair – no seat

*& Grill - nasty

Futon Frame – black, no mattress

$ 5 TVs – various sizes 24-42 inches

3 Computer Monitors

*$ 1 Old Computer – Monitor CPU and keyboard as one – Apple IIE style

Cabinets

3 Bed Frames

2 Ironing Boards

2 Cot Springs

*$ Hose Wheel – in clear plastic reclycling bag

$ Undetermined metal object

3 Love Seats

1 sink and counter top – still assembled

*Baby Walker

Drying Rack

*Hat Rack?

1 Exercise Machine – horse-like

*Poster Frames – gold metal

*$ Gold picture frame pieces

Maybe I’ll do this some more.  I didn’t bring anything home today but don’t lose hope.  They do trash around here every Tuesday and Friday and the weather’s starting to get better.  Can you feel it?  Papa needs a new area rug.

Milk Beard

When you have no job, there will be a point when you will be eating cereal and you will drip milk in your beard.  Your fingers will not be enough to sop it up.  Your tongue is not long or porous enough to get at it and will in fact act like a watercolor brush, creating avenues through which the milk will spread.  As you no longer take showers daily, the offending liquid will wreak havoc on the life you’re leading, discouraging kisses from you fiancée and wasting hours searching for trash smell.  Dandruff and milk flakes will coat the childhood t-shirts you wear and that you think separate you as an individual but actually broadcast your inability to think of yourself as an adult.  (Wear a collar).  Alas your beard will go unshorn, unwashed and unkempt, though suspicion should lead you to it, and small colonies of utter-based bacteria will congregate and reproduce for all eternity.